5 steps to emotion coaching

A  few weeks ago some of us “wandering families” moms attended a parenting class by the wonderful Know How Mom herself, Georgia Anderson.  She talked a lot about the John Gottman approach to parenting that teaches us about “emotion coaching”  I wasn’t familiar with this stuff at all but in the weeks since the class I’ve tried it out on my family and have loved it!  I’ve been learning more about them and about myself everyday!  In case you’re new to this idea too here’s a quick run down about what we’re talking about: 

 The Five Steps of Emotion Coaching

Emotion Coaching is a parenting technique that helps children understand their feelings. When parents Emotion Coach, their children learn how emotions work and how to react to feelings in healthy ways.

Emotion Coaching starts by recognizing your child’s feelings. Many parents are able to see the positive emotions a child expresses, but drawing close to a child who is angry or sad can take some practice. While it takes effort to teach your child about feelings and appropriate behaviors, it is time well spent. Your relationship with your child will be stronger and your child will be more prepared for the challenges life can bring.

Here are the five steps of emotion coaching:

STEP 1

Be aware of emotions

Tune in to your child’s feelings and your own.

• Pay attention to your own emotions, from happiness to sadness to anger.
• Understand that emotions are a natural and valuable part of life.
• Observe, listen, and learn how your child expresses different emotions.
• Watch for changes in facial expressions, body language, posture, and tone of voice.

STEP 2

Connect with your child

Use emotional moments as opportunities to connect.

• Pay close attention to a child’s emotions.
• Try not to dismiss or avoid them.
• See emotional moments as opportunities for teaching.
• Recognize feelings and encourage your child to talk about his or her emotions.
• Provide guidance before emotions escalate into misbehavior.

STEP 3

Listen to your child

Respect your child’s feelings by taking time to listen carefully.

• Take your child’s emotions seriously.
• Show your child that you understand what he or she is feeling.
• Avoid judging or criticizing your child’s emotions.

STEP 4

Name emotions

Help your child identify and name emotions.

• Identify the emotions your child is experiencing instead of telling your child how he or she should feel.
• Naming emotions helps soothe a child.
• Set a good example by naming your own emotions and talking about them.
• Help your child build a vocabulary for different feelings.

STEP 5

Find good solutions

Explore solutions to problems together.

• Redirect misbehaving children for what they do, not what they feel.
• When children misbehave, help them to identify their feelings and explain why their behavior was inappropriate.
• Encourage emotional expression, but set clear limits on behavior.
• Help children think through possible solutions.
• Don’t expect too much too soon.
• Be aware of tempting settings and be prepared to help your child through them.
• Create situations where your child can explore without hearing lots of "don'ts."
• Catch your child doing lots of things right and praise her.
• Do chores, like picking up toys, together.
• Make tasks as fun as possible.
  (info is found over on http://www.parentingcounts.org/)

Here’s the best news of all: according to Dr. Gottman, if you are emotion coaching 40% of the time, you are doing a pretty good job. 40% people!  We can do that!!!